WHEN THE BAD NEWS COMES

Sometimes a decision about euthanasia has to be made immediately, but often this is not the case. You probably will have time to discuss options with your vet and talk about your feelings with family and friends.

Heartbreaking as it is to get a bleak diagnosis, an anticipated death may be easier to cope with than one that comes unexpectedly. When death comes without warning, there is no time to absorb the shock or reflect on decisions that must be made. With even a small amount of time on your side, you have an opportunity to say good-bye and do what you think is best for your animal friend - a friend who enriched your life so greatly and who will be so profoundly missed.


ANTICIPATORY GRIEF

Anticipatory grief is the sadness that occurs before the actual loss. Unlike grief after a loss, which becomes less intense over time, anticipatory grief becomes more intense as the loss approaches...it usually begins with a diagnosis of an illness.

While anticipatory grief may shorten the period of grieving after the loss, it becomes a problem if the loss is delayed too long. Grief that intensifies over time interferes with the ability to be rational. When a grieving pet owner is unable to make clear-headed decisions, the animal may be forced into a painfully prolonged life.

One of the characteristics of grief is a feeling of helplessness. So it's not surprising that pet owners who are experiencing anticipatory grief often want their vet to decide when the time to euthanize has come. But making that decision is not the vet's role. Even though your vet might suggest euthanasia as the most caring option, the decision is up to you. What you can look to your vet for is a sure source of information and guidance as to your pet's changing condition and status. You can also expect compassionate understanding of what you are going through.

Although a humane death will end your pet's suffering, the emotonal pain for you may be just beginning. Speak with your vet and others knowledgeable about support services in your area. Making use of local services will help you face you decision and deal with your grief both before and after your loss.


FACING THE DECISION

It is important to be fully informed about your pet's condition and the medical options. If any part of the diagnosis or its implications for your pet's future is unclear, ask for a further explanation. You may want to get a second opinion to assure yourself that the diagnosis is correct and that you have all the facts. But even with the facts in hand, it is often difficult to know just when the time has come.

When facing your decision, a home visit by your vet may be helpful. Your pet can then be assessed at his or her best and in familiar surroundings rather than in a hospital setting. If your vet does not make house calls, he or she may be able to collaborate with one that does. The two of them will work together to have a complete medical background for the home visit. They may also be able to provide home hospice care as well as home euthanasia, if that is desired and feasible. You can learn more about these possibilities from your vet or local veterinary association.


QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

Making the decision to euthanize a pet is often harder than dealing with the loss itself. Many people say they can accept the death and the accompanying sadness, but have great difficulty with being the one who must decide when death will occur. There has been some admission by pet owners that they go to bed at night praying that their suffering pet will die in his or her sleep...that way they don't have to make the decision they have been dreading. This reflects what many people feel as they watch their animal companions struggle against all odds. As you face the painful decision about euthanizing your pet, let the following questions serve as your guide:

Is there a reasonable chance for a cure? or comfort?
How much additional time might treatment give? What will the quality of the time be?
Do I have the financial and emotional resources to handle long-term medical care if it is required?
Will I have the necessary physical and emotional stamina to attend to my pet's needs? (Getting up at night. Preparing special foods. Giving meds/shots.)
Is our relationship changing or decreasing in quality as I anticipate this loss?
How many of my pet's usual activities are still possible?
Is my pet suffering, even though physical pain is not evident?

When a pet is suffering - or has a severely diminished quality of life - and you decide to help it on its way, you are doing what you believe is best for your animal friend. Let that thought remain uppermost in your mind as you face your decision, and again as you look back on the action you take.


A GENTLE AND HUMANE END

Discuss with your vet where the euthanasia will be performed and the best time to do it. Most often it is done in a clinic or animal hospital, but some vets will come to their clients' homes. If you need reassurance that you are doing the right thing, it's good idea to ask for one last review of the situation and your options.

The euthanasia procedure is accomplished by injecting a special solution similar to a concentrated anesthesia drug into a vein. But depending upon the personality and medical status of your pet, other routes are possible. Sometimes an intravenous catheter may be placed to ensure access to the vein. The animal may - but does not always - feel the needle being inserted. The drug causes the animal to fall into a deep sleep, after which the breathing center and heart stop. This usually occurs within 30 to 60 seconds, but for some very old or chronically ill animals, it may take slightly longer.

Your pet can detect your emotional state, so be present only if you can provide calm support. Some people realize that witnessing the procedure would be too distressing and decide not to be there. Others take comfort in seeing death come peacefully and quickly, especially if the animal is suffering.

If you choose not to be present, don't feel guilty. Vets and their staff are dedicated to seeing that the final moments of an animal's life are peaceful and painless. The last thing your pet will know is the sound of a gentle voice and the touch of caring, competent hands. You may want to spend time with your pet beforehand, or say a final good-bye afterward. Seeing the body one last time provides closure. It may also assure you that your pet is at peace and the euthanasia was the correct decision.


WHAT TO DO WITH THE BODY

Everyone who loses an animal to death must decide what to do with the body. Some people leave the body with their vet, who determines what will be done with it. Others explore with their vet the options available, and then come to a decision.

Home Burial
Many people bury their pets on their own property, or the property of friends or relatives. (Check with your vet or municipal government to see if this is permitted in your area.) To guard against having the remains unearthed by children or animals, a grave should be a minimum of three feet deep. A box or special holder is sometimes required, and will protect the animal's remains. Burial items can be purchased from a funeral director or pet cemetery. Many pet owners make a casket themselves or creatively decorate a suitable box.

Cemetery Burial
There are over 500 pet cemeteries in the United States and Canada. The cost of the plot, the casket, and the marker usually carry separate fees. A charge might also be made for digging the grave.

An official pet cemetery - as opposed to an animal burial ground - is on 'dedicated land'. This means that no matter who owns the land, it will always remain a cemetery. A pet cemetery must meet standards set by the International Association of Pet Cemeteries.

Communal Burial
This option is offered by some pet cemeteries and humane societies, and is less costly than private burials.

Cremation
Many people choose to have their pets cremated, which is often a practical alternative to burial. Some veterinary clinics have their own crematoriums, as do many pet cemeteries and humane organizations. Vets who do not have these facilities arrange to have the cremation done elsewhere.

Communal Cremation
Cremating more than one animal at a time is a common practice. The cost of this is less than for an individual cremation. When making the decision to cremate, it's important to specify whether you want an individual or a communal cremation.

Animal ashes can be dealt with in various ways. Many people like to scatter the ashes; in doing so they feel that they are releasing their pet's body and spirit back to the earth and sky. Popular places for scattering ashes are woods or an open field or a bed of flowers, whose beauty symbolizes the relationship they had with their pet. (Before scattering ashes, check with your vet or municipal government to see what regulations apply in your area.)

Another option is to store a pet's ashes in an urn. Yet another is to bury them...some pet owners even bury some of their pet's favorite things along with the ashes.

There is no single right way to deal with an animal's remains. Whatever is respectful, whatever brings a measure of comfort and closure to your life together, is the appropriate thing for you to do.


PAYING LAST RESPECTS

Because society has no ritual for paying last respects to a beloved pet, we need to create our own. For some people, a few moments of respectful silence, or reverently hanging their pet's leash on its hook behind the kitchen door one last time, is ritual enough. But others feel a need to do something more.

How you choose to honor your pet will be as individual as the relationship you shared. Following are ways others have dignified the passing of their pets:
Take a day off from work. If you need a reason, tell the truth: say your best friend died.
Write a eulogy describing how much your pet meant to you.
Compose a poem or write a song about your pet.
Compile a scrapbook or photo album. This will help keep the memory of your pet alive.
Display a picture or your pet and burn a votive candle beside it. Keep the candle lit during the most intense mourning.
Notify friends who will understand and be supportive.
Make a donation to a charitable organization in memory of your pet.
Observe Pet Memorial Day on the second Sunday in September.


CHILDREN AND PET LOSS

To help children cope with the loss of a pet, it's helpful to know how they view death. Up to about age five, children do not realize that death is permanent: you are dead for a time, then pop back to life. Somewhere between five and nine, children come to understand the permanence of death, but aren't convinced that it comes to all living things. Around age ten, children have the emotional and mental capacity to understand the finality of death.

After a family pet dies, children may have the same grief feelings as adults, but often express them differently. Sometimes they are so overwhelmed that they are not yet able to grieve. During such times, children need understanding and reassurance that someone will always be there to care for them.

Although it may be tempting to quickly get another pet, this is generally not a good idea. Children need to understand that each life is unique and irreplaceable. If they see that a much-loved pet is easily replaced, they may worry that they are replaceable as well.


GUIDELINES FOR HELPING CHILDREN

Review the vet's report with your family. If treatment would be an emotional or financial burden, discuss this openly.
Explain that your pet's condition is nobody's fault. Children may think that they are responsible because they failed to walk the dog or keep the cat's water dish filled.
Be forthright about your feelings and what the loss of the family pet will mean to you. Such behavior encourages children to be open and honest as well.
Avoid making up stories to protect children. If they later learn the facts, they may think My parents didn't tell me the truth about this, so what else have they lied to me about?
Explain that euthanasia is a quick, painless and peaceful death. The animal becomes unconscious, and then its breathing and heart stop.
Do not refer to euthanasia as 'putting an animal to sleep'. Children may fear that if they fall asleep they, too, might die.
Encourage creative outlets for feelings: write stories, poems, songs, or make a scrapbook in memory of their pet.
Discuss what will be done with the animal's body. This helps children confront the reality of death and lets them feel that they are involved in decisions.
Give children an opportunity to say their good-byes.
Talk about how fortunate your family has been to have a pet who was so special, and that nothing can take away the memories; they will be yours forever.


SAYING GOOD-BYE

Finding ways to say good-bye is an important step in managing the feelings of sorrow that naturally accompany the lost of an animal friend. Even though it's painful to see death coming, knowing that the end is near gives you the opportunity to take those last caring actions that let your pet know she was always safest in your care.


OTHER PETS

Do animals grieve? Many people are convinced they do. Knowing how surviving pets might react, and what you can do to help, prepares you for experiences you may have.

Yowling, whimpering, listlessness, a refusal to eat or drink - these are some of the behaviors you might observe. A previously affectionate animal may avoid you, or at times even be hostile. Patience and understanding are called for. Speak to the surviving pets often and be generous with affection. When you are away, play a radio softly or leave the TV on so they will be less lonely. Something major is missing from the life of a surviving pet just as something immensely important is missing from yours. Together you are experiencing the pain of loss.

FINDING THE SUPPORT YOU NEED

Grief is the natural reaction to loss. The loss of a beloved pet can be even more painful than the death of a person who has been a significant part of your life. But because the love-tie that exists between animals and humans is not yet widely appreciated, there is a stigma attached to grieving for a pet: 'It was only a dog,' unknowing people say. Or, 'You can always get another pet.' What they fail to understand is that you are not grieving for just any animal. Your grief is for a unique and irreplaceable friend with whom you shared a deeply personal relationship on a daily basis.

At first you may need to come to terms with a devastating diagnosis or absorb the finality of the death and mourn in private. But the most difficult grief is that which is borne alone. If you are willing to reach out for help, your pain will be easier to bear.

Here are a few suggestions...
Your veterinarian
An understanding friend or relative
A pet loss support group
One-on-one therapy
Delta Society
Pet loss hotline
Books of Pet Loss like Good-bye My Friend by Mary & Herb Montgomery